So I’d like to apologize for my long absence. I’m sure my many (hah!) readers were quite upset by my lack of posts, but I have a (mostly) legit excuse: I was in Las Vegas. That’s right, Sin City. Before anyone starts in with the “Oh, poor you, you had to go to Vegas” schtick, let me just say that this was anything but a pleasure trip. I was there for work and that involved spending roughly 12 hours of my time each day standing (in heels and a suit) in a convention center being personable and helpful. Anyone who knows me will get why that was so tiring for me.

But I digress. I didn’t take my laptop with me and being that I was busy during the few hours of the day where I was around computers that I could (theoretically) use I was unable to keep up with the writing. I got back into town Thursday morning after a full day of work and a red-eye flight home – yay for being up 24 hours straight! – and pretty much just passed out for like a day and a half. Then this weekend I was busy doing things of great importance such as: going to a concert, having entirely too much Irish whiskey, falling down – although that likely would have happened even if I were sober as I’m a klutz – on the way out of the club, sleeping in entirely too late, and then getting the mother of all sinus infections. So suffice it to say, I was otherwise occupied.

But I’m back, I’m relatively well, I have a cup of the world’s greatest tea at my side and I’m ready to offer up a new post. So, without further ado, I am prepared to present my post-Vegas debrief. Or what should more appropriately be called “Reasons I Hate Las Vegas.” That’s right, I did not enjoy Las Vegas. While countless people have told me that it’s only because of the circumstances of my trip and that, were I to go for fun, I would surely enjoy all it has to offer, I am going to have to disagree. I think that Vegas is one of those places that is just simply not my kind of thing…and I’m 110% okay with that. But I suppose I should offer some justification of my intense dislike for LV.

First, however, let me concede the few positive aspects of Las Vegas so that, when I get challenged and these get thrown in my face, I can at least say I have considered that it’s not an entirely horrible place. The best thing the city has going for it is the weather. It’s warm, not humid, and doesn’t seem to rain too often. While that can be bad if you don’t want your home to get destroyed by a raging wildfire, it’s good for a tourist. Especially if what you have to look forward to at home is a May Nor’easter. Another good thing about the city is that…um…yeah, I got nothin’. On to my criticisms.

Let’s tackle the issue by category. I’m going to list areas that I often judge cities upon and see how Vegas stacks up.

Intelligence of the Population
So maybe I’m biased because I live in a well-educated area. In fact, according to this article in the Post, Arlington is the most educated city in the US based on number of advanced degrees per capita. I am willing to admit that living in the DC area may make me a bit biased and possibly elitist when it comes to thinking a city can’t be truly great without a relatively well-educated population. Oh, sure, there are morons in DC, but I’d be willing to pit the average person on the street in DC against the average person on the street in Vegas.

Now, I know what you are thinking: the average person on the street in Vegas (at least on The Strip) is a tourist and therefore not representative of the city. And that’s true. But D.C. has our idiot tourists too so I figure that’s not really a reason Vegas gets to be unintelligent. Also Vegas is a city built on tourism, they stake their economy on it so I feel they bear some responsibility for the stupidity of tourists. In DC we have websites with entire categories dedicated to capturing the stupid things tourists say. We accept the tourists’ presence and even understand that they may contribute something to our economy, but they aren’t the entire foundation of our city and, therefore, we mock them. A lot. Vegas, however, takes a different approach. It encourages the uneducated to come and spend money. And if you are educated and happen to find yourself in Vegas, they have devised elaborate schemes to make you dumb and part you from your cash. Why do you think there are so many bars, clubs, casinos, hookers, shows, lights, sounds, and overpriced restaurants? Because they want to overwhelm your brain to the point you cannot think.

And, while this may not directly relate to intelligence, I feel I must mention that I have never seen so much collagen and silicone in one place as I did in Las Vegas. Whether they were trophy wives, hookers, showgirls, or just professional girlfriends to wealthy men, there was a lot of unnatural lifting, tucking, and nipping in that town. I have also never seen so many bad silk shirts or button-downs open to reveal WAY too much chest hair as I did in my 4 days there. Sure, we in DC have our stereotypes too: the preppy Georgetown types with their popped collars and lobster belts; the overzealous Hill staffers that can only talk in Hill-speak even when around others who don’t share their same enthusiasm for low-paying, high-prestige jobs; the elitist hipsters that sit around and talk about things like the plight of male knitters (not kidding, I heard this conversation at a restaurant); and various other caricatures. However, these stereotypes are at least amusing to me and I know how to handle them. Vegas is a whole different ballgame.

Entertainment
Okay, so I’m going to admit right up front that DC can’t compete with Vegas in terms of shows. Sure, Celine Dion or Cher won’t be playing DC anytime soon. Even my beloved Elton John is playing in Vegas and likely won’t be coming to DC. But that’s okay with me. Because for every Celine or Elton that Vegas gets, they also get Mama Mia, Roseann Barr, and – lest I leave him out – Carrot Top. So while we may not get huge flashy shows, we don’t get Carrot Top.

Another thing Vegas doesn’t have is sports. Sure, I can bet on the Redskins game, but I can’t go see them play live. And while, for some people, I’m sure there is thrill in being able to watch the game on a big tv while watching the odds change on the big board at the same time, for me I’d rather be tailgating with some bison burgers, beer, and then heading in to drunkenly yell the words to “Hail to the Redskins” and cheer for my team. Plus, if my experience tells me anything, the beer and food at Fed Ex Field is priced competitively with what one can get in most Vegas establishments.

But lest I forget the area where I feel Vegas fails most in comparison to my beloved DC: free entertainment. DC may not give me the chance to see Jersey Boys but it does let me go stroll around and see the works of Vermeer and Renoir, Dorothy’s slippers, the Betsy Ross flag, the Hope Diamond, the Constitution, the Enola Gay, and countless other treasures….for absolutely no cost (save maybe a buck or two to get there on the metro). I can also see the Lincoln Memorial, watch the Smithsonian Kite Festival, and take in the cherry blossoms all without paying a cent. And frankly, that’s the kind of entertainment that I prefer.

Restaurants
So this is the last and, to me, possibly the most important category. It’s no secret that I love food. Eating it, cooking it, writing about it, and generally contemplating its wonders and charms are all things that make me happy. I think this is why most people would assume that I would have loved my time in Vegas. I mean, most of the great chefs in the world have restaurants there: Wolfgang Puck, Nobu Matsuhisa, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, Charlie Trotter, and the list goes on ad infinitum. Nearly any famous celebrity chef worth his $250 santoku knife has a restaurant in Vegas. With so much to choose from, how could I possibly find fault with the dining options available to me in Sin City?

Well, it was easy and I’ll tell you how: those options are pretty much it. Our company provided a (I thought) generous allowance of $70 for dinner each night. I assumed I would be able to eat amazingly well on that given that, here in DC, I can easily get out of Brasserie Beck happy, satisfied, and full of good Belgian beer with that stipend. In Vegas, it is a lot tougher. One thing I appreciate about DC is that we have an appealing mix of high-end restaurants – Citronelle, City-Zen, Komi, Marcel’s, Corduroy – and an equal number of amazingly fantastic mid-low priced restaurants. The true standouts are the region’s ethnic restaurants with fantastic Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Spanish, Middle Eastern, and various other cuisines readily available for affordable prices.

In Vegas, however, once you are in the casino, you are stuck. These places are designed to keep you on The Strip and surrounded by the glitz and the glamour. Aside from providing the feeling of dining in a shopping mall, the options seem to be limited to steak, Italian, French, Asian Fusion, and seafood. And that’s all. Perhaps for the average Mid-Western tourist, this is amazing, but for me, I love the ability to dine on moules frites one evening and spicy pad prik king the next. Las Vegas may have these kinds of eclectic restaurants but they certainly weren’t on The Strip.

So all of that said, I know Vegas holds a lot of attractions for a lot of people. But, I learned, that I am not one of those people. Sure if you want to gamble it’s a great place to do that and there are a lot of clubs and bars. Most of the big hotels/casinos have luxurious pools and you can catch Cirque du Soleil shows if you are into those kinds of things. Since I’m not big on gambling, lounging alongside scantily clad strangers, going to dance clubs, or weird trippy acrobats, it’s unlikely I’ll ever come to love Vegas. The only thing it holds for me is a chance to eat at a restaurant with a famous chef’s name attached to it and, fortunately, that is something I can enjoy in Chicago, New York, DC, Philadelphia, Portland, or San Francisco. So to all those who love Vegas, more power to you, it’s just simply not the place for me.